o say, can you sing?
NOT the thing to do with a Xerox copier..........
You wonder why this guy is so stupid - surely he knew there were security cameras around!
Feeling stupid? This will make you feel better!
"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there ' ll be a record."
--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that
you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
--Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina
"Traditionally, most of Australia' s imports come from overseas."
--Keppel Enderbery
"If we don' t succeed, we run the risk of failure."
--Bill Clinton, President
"We don' t necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."
-- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor .
"The word "genius" isn' t applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
"We ' ve got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need ?"
--Lee Iacocca
"I love California . I practically grew up in Phoenix ."
-- Dan Quayle
"It isn ' t pollution that' s harming the environment. It' s the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
--Al Gore, Vice President
"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
-- Al Gore, VP
"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I' m just the one to do it."
--A congressional candidate in Texas .
"I ' m not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president."
-- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country"
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC .
"I ' ve never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body"
-- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward .
"Smoking kills. If you' re killed, you' ve lost a very important part of your life."
-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become a spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign .
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can ' t help but cry. I mean I ' d love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
--Mariah Carey
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"
-- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest .
(On September 17, 1994, Alabama' s Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)
--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that
you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
--Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina
"Traditionally, most of Australia' s imports come from overseas."
--Keppel Enderbery
"If we don' t succeed, we run the risk of failure."
--Bill Clinton, President
"We don' t necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."
-- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor .
"The word "genius" isn' t applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
"We ' ve got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need ?"
--Lee Iacocca
"I love California . I practically grew up in Phoenix ."
-- Dan Quayle
"It isn ' t pollution that' s harming the environment. It' s the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
--Al Gore, Vice President
"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
-- Al Gore, VP
"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I' m just the one to do it."
--A congressional candidate in Texas .
"I ' m not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president."
-- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country"
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC .
"I ' ve never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body"
-- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward .
"Smoking kills. If you' re killed, you' ve lost a very important part of your life."
-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become a spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign .
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can ' t help but cry. I mean I ' d love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
--Mariah Carey
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"
-- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest .
(On September 17, 1994, Alabama' s Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)
It's so dry.......
It's so dry in the South that
the Baptists are starting to baptize by sprinkling,
the Methodists are giving out wet wipes,
the Presbyterians are giving out rain-checks,
and the Catholics are praying for the wine to turn back into water.
One liners
Don't let your worries get the best of you;
remember, Moses started out as a basket case.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited until you try to sit in their pews.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Many folks want to serve God, but only as advisors.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose
...........but mosquitoes come close.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
When you get to your wit's end,
you'll find God lives there.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
People are funny;
they want the front of the bus,
the middle of the road,
and the back of the church.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Opportunity may knock once, but temptation bangs on your front door forever.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Quit griping about your church; if it was perfect, you couldn't belong.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
If the church wants a better pastor,
it only needs to pray for the one it has.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
God Himself does not propose to judge a man until he is dead.
So why should you?
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Some minds are like concrete:
thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
I don't know why some people change churches;
what difference does it make which one you stay home from?!
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
A lot of church members who are singing
"Standing on the Promises"
are just sitting on the premises.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
We were called to be witnesses, not lawyers or judges.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
God doesn't call the qualified,
He qualifies the called.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
God grades on the cross,
not the curve.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
God loves everyone, but probably prefers "fruits of the spirit" over "religious nuts!"
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
He who angers you, controls you!
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
If God is your Co-pilot - swap seats!
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Prayer:
Don't give God instructions --
just report for duty!
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
The task ahead of us is never as great as the Power behind us.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
The Will of God never takes you to where the Grace of God will not protect you.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
We don't change the message,
the message changes us.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
You can tell how big a person is by what it takes to.......
discourage him.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Live simply.
Love generously.
Care deeply.
Speak kindly.
Leave the rest to God.
remember, Moses started out as a basket case.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited until you try to sit in their pews.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Many folks want to serve God, but only as advisors.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose
...........but mosquitoes come close.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
When you get to your wit's end,
you'll find God lives there.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
People are funny;
they want the front of the bus,
the middle of the road,
and the back of the church.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Opportunity may knock once, but temptation bangs on your front door forever.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Quit griping about your church; if it was perfect, you couldn't belong.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
If the church wants a better pastor,
it only needs to pray for the one it has.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
God Himself does not propose to judge a man until he is dead.
So why should you?
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Some minds are like concrete:
thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
I don't know why some people change churches;
what difference does it make which one you stay home from?!
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
A lot of church members who are singing
"Standing on the Promises"
are just sitting on the premises.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
We were called to be witnesses, not lawyers or judges.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
God doesn't call the qualified,
He qualifies the called.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
God grades on the cross,
not the curve.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
God loves everyone, but probably prefers "fruits of the spirit" over "religious nuts!"
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
He who angers you, controls you!
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
If God is your Co-pilot - swap seats!
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Prayer:
Don't give God instructions --
just report for duty!
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
The task ahead of us is never as great as the Power behind us.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
The Will of God never takes you to where the Grace of God will not protect you.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
We don't change the message,
the message changes us.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
You can tell how big a person is by what it takes to.......
discourage him.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Live simply.
Love generously.
Care deeply.
Speak kindly.
Leave the rest to God.
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