How to clean a cat and the commode in one operation

Put both lids of the toilet up. Then add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close the lid. You may need to stand on the lid. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a power-wash and rinse.

Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Sincerely,
The DOG

Modern Arithmetic

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair!
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

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OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

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HOPPING MATH
A man will pay $20 for ! a $10 item he needs.
A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.

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GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

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HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.


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LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

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PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

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DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

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HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts usedto come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling,telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the samething to them at funerals.

Cats

Seen on a refrigerator in a local music store:

I Like Cats

I just can't eat a whole one

at one sitting