Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:
Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.
How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.
What ingredients are mothers made of ?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.
Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.
What kind of little girl was your mom?
1. My Mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.
What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?
Why did your mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot.
2. Sh e got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.
Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.
What's the difference between moms & dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
4. Moms have magic; they make you feel better without medicine.
What does your mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.
What would it take to make your mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Dye it. You know her hair. I'd dye it, maybe blue.
If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head .
The Guy Rules
Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
===============
1. Men are NOT mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a Problem.
See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria 's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as sports , cars, or sex.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight - but did you know men really d on't mind that? It's like camping.
Please note.. these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
===============
1. Men are NOT mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a Problem.
See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria 's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as sports , cars, or sex.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight - but did you know men really d on't mind that? It's like camping.
Cat vs. the Snowman
He has prints available - over 60 cartoons of snowmen (plus others) - some are incredibly funny!
www.offthemark.com
People do the darndest things.....
So you're walking down the beach, looking for a place to park your carcass.... are you really going to put your stuff down near a beached airplane?.....that is probably leaking oil or bad coffee from somewhere?
The easy comment to make here is about the idiocy of the bride and groom - but given how sh'e spulling the truck, she probably ended up at the chiropractor with lower back strain. I want to know who took the picture - and did they actually help these people afterwards, or did they say, "Thanks for the shot, see ya later...." and drive off - after getting a release form signed, of course?
Warning; Optimist at work.
Animals do the darndest things (pt. 4).....
Well, H O T D O G !
This reminds me of the scene in "Shrek the Halls" where Puss-n-Bots is telling his version of the Night Before Christmas, and gets interrupted by a jingle bell. The look on puss' face matches this cat's expression.
Animals do the darndest thing (pt. 3) ...........
I'm glad I don't live here!
....or here!
I've heard of synchronized swimming...but synchronized sleeping?
This is what REALLY happens after the cat catches the mouse...... naptime!
Animals do the darndest things (pt. 2) ........
But Mooooooooooooom........
Who are you calling tiny?
Here, kitty kitty kitty.......
And I thought dinner at MY house was crazy!
Animals do the darndest things........
This is a house I'm glad I don't live in.
Obviously a teenager cat - who can sleep anywhere.
Points for the dog, who gets a free supper. Negative points for the owner, who decided it was more important to get a picture than to rescue dinner.
In unison: "What the heck are you?"
Sipho's Sister
Sipho's sister was pregnant and was in a bad car accident, which caused her to fall into a deep coma.
After nearly six months, she awakens and sees that she is no longer pregnant.
Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins - a boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them."
The woman thinks to herself,"Oh no! Not Sipho; He's an idiot!"
Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor,"Well, what's the girl's name?"
"Denise," the doctor answers.
The new mother thinks, "Wow! That's a beautiful name! I guess I was wrong about my brother. I really like the name Denise."
Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?
"The doctor replies, "Denephew..."
After nearly six months, she awakens and sees that she is no longer pregnant.
Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins - a boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them."
The woman thinks to herself,"Oh no! Not Sipho; He's an idiot!"
Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor,"Well, what's the girl's name?"
"Denise," the doctor answers.
The new mother thinks, "Wow! That's a beautiful name! I guess I was wrong about my brother. I really like the name Denise."
Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?
"The doctor replies, "Denephew..."
The Nation's First Politician's Remains found
An archeological team digging in Washington D.C. has uncovered 10,000 year old fossil remains of what is believed to be the first Politician.
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