2 Robins were sitting in a tree.......

Two robins were sitting in a tree. "I'm really hungry," said the first one. "Let's fly down and find some lunch."

They flew down to the ground and found a nice plot of newly plowed ground that was full of worms. They ate and ate and ate till they could eat no more.

"I am so full, I don't think I can fly back up into the tree," said the first one.

"Let's just lay here and bask in the warm sun," said the second.

"O K," said the first. So they plopped down, basking in the sun.

No sooner than they had fallen asleep, when a big fat tomcat sneaks up and gobbles them up.

As the cat sat washing his face after his meal, he thought...







(You probably ought to sit down for this one)

Gee, I love Baskin Robbins............

An absolutely terribly funny waste of time

Ran across this site. If you've got a few minutes, and are looking for a laugh, you need to check it out.

StuffOnMyCat.com

Don't mess with a soldier!

A United States Soldier was attending some college courses between assignments. He had completed missions in Iraq and Afghanistan. One of his courses had a professor who was a vowed atheist.

One day the professor shocked the class when he came in. He looked to the ceiling and flatly stated, "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes."

The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, "Here I am God. I'm still waiting."

It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Soldier got out of his chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him; knocking him off the platform. The professor was out cold. The Soldier went back to his seat and sat there, silently.

The other students were shocked and stunned and sat there looking on in silence.

The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the Soldier and asked, "What's the matter with you? Why did you do that?"

The Soldier calmly replied, "God was too busy today protecting America's soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid crap and act like an idiot. So, He sent me."

---

I think most of the class would have left after about 8 minutes of waiting for something to happen....... or they would all be text messaging people!

Are you smarter than a 5th grader?

Obviously a take-off on the TV show with Jeff Foxworthy, but still interesting,
This is an online test put up by the Orlando Sentinal.

Take it and see if YOU are!

Are you smarter than a 5th grader?

Top 10 (well, 16) police comments when handing out tickets

These 16 Police Comments were taken from actual police car videos around the country:


#16 "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."



#15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."



# 14 "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."



#13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."



#12 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."



#11 "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, is that right?"



#10 "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"



#9 "Warning! You want a warning? O..K. then - I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."



#8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are Drunk or not. Here's the question: Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"



#7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, "fair" is a place where you Go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop. Sign right here!"



#6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a Toaster oven."



#5 "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."



#4 "How big were those 'Just two beers' you say you had?"



#3 "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want to."



#2 "I'm glad to hear that Chief (of Police) Hawker is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."





AND THE WINNER IS....

#1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign right here, lady."

The old priest lay dying.........

The old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years he had faithfully served the people of the nation's capital. He motioned for his nurse to come near.


"Yes, Father?" said the nurse. "I would really like to see Ted Kennedy and Hillary Clinton before I die." whispered the priest.


I'll see what I can do, Father" replied the nurse.


The nurse sent the request to the Senate and waited for a response. Soon the word arrived. Kennedy and Clinton would be delighted to visit the priest. As they went to the hospital, Clinton commented to Kennedy "I don't know why the old priest wants to see us, but it will certainly help our images." Kennedy couldn't help but agree.


When they arrived at the priest's room, the priest took Kennedy's hand in his right hand and Clinton's hand in his left. There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest's face.


Finally Senator Kennedy spoke. "Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?" The old priest slowly replied "I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ."


"Amen" said Kennedy. "Amen" said Clinton.


The old priest continued..."He died between two lying thieves. I would like to do the same."

Finger Painting #8

Finger Painting #7

Finger Painting #6

Finger Painting #5

Finger Painting #4

Finger painting #3

Finger Painting #2

Finger Painting #1

King Arthur and the Witch

King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer; he would be put to death.

The question?...What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.

But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.

The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.

He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:

What a woman really wants, she answered...is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.

And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?

What would YOU do?

What Lancelot chose is below. BUT....make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY?













Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

Now....what is the moral to this story?






Scroll down
















The moral is.....
If you don't let a woman have her own way....
Things are going to get ugly

What a woman likes

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.



For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.



However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest while he is on fire.



No further studies are expected.

How well does cold water clean?

A man went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of the state. After spending the night, his grandfather prepared breakfast - eggs and bacon. The man noticed a film-like substance on his plate and he questioned his grandfather, "Are these plates clean?".


His grandfather replied, "These plates are as clean as cold water can get them, so go on and finish your meal."


That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed tiny specks around the edge of his plate and a substance that kinda looked like dried egg yolks, so again he asked, "Grandfather, are these plates clean?"


Without looking up from his hamburger, his grandfather says, "I told you before, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. now don't ask me about it anymore!"


Later that afternoon, as he was on his way out to get the paper, the dog started to growl and would not let the poor guy pass. He complained, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me out!"


Without looking up from the football game, the grandfather shouted, "Coldwater.....MOVE!".

The cat died and went to heaven..........

A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said, "You have been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking."

The cat thought for a minute and then said, "All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on."

God said, "Say no more." Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow.

A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to Heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that He made to the cat.

The mice said, "Well, we have had to run all of our lives: from cats, dogs, and even people with brooms! If we could just have some little roller skates, we would not have to run again."

God answered, "It is done." All the mice had beautiful little roller skates.

About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, "Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?"

The cat replied, "Oh, it is WONDERFUL. I have never been so happy in my life. The pillow is so fluffy, and those little Meals on Wheels you have been sending over are delicious!"