From a powerpoint someone sent
The birthday cake
(Yes, this really happened)
We had a 'going away' party yesterday for a lady at our Little Rock claim office. One of the supervisors called a Wal-Mart and ordered the cake.
He told them to write: 'Best Wishes Suzanne' and underneath that write 'We will miss you'.
It didn't quite turn out right.
We had a 'going away' party yesterday for a lady at our Little Rock claim office. One of the supervisors called a Wal-Mart and ordered the cake.
He told them to write: 'Best Wishes Suzanne' and underneath that write 'We will miss you'.
It didn't quite turn out right.
My Dog, Hershel and the car wreck
Hershel and I were out for a ride the other day and as I was going across the Zebulon Road Bridge a car slammed on the brakes to turn left at that light and I came close to hitting him.
I slammed on my brakes really hard and poor Hershel ended up in the back seat. He is OK but a little upset about the incident.
Take a look and see if you think he needs counseling. He has been avoiding car rides for several days now.
I slammed on my brakes really hard and poor Hershel ended up in the back seat. He is OK but a little upset about the incident.
Take a look and see if you think he needs counseling. He has been avoiding car rides for several days now.
Wisdom
Wisdom from Larry the Cable Guy
1. A day without sunshine is like night.
2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, "What the heck happened?"
22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapeno's. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.
1. A day without sunshine is like night.
2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, "What the heck happened?"
22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapeno's. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.
Fliers, beware!
The photo below is of an ACTUAL CRACK found in the window frame of a very popular plane model used by all the major airlines.
We here at funnyaha, as a public service, wanted to let you know about this very dangerous condition.
Take a look, and shudder if you are flying soon. Have you considered Amtrak or the Bus?
Gotcha!
We here at funnyaha, as a public service, wanted to let you know about this very dangerous condition.
Take a look, and shudder if you are flying soon. Have you considered Amtrak or the Bus?
Gotcha!
A sharp knife, a lime, a cat, & football season
| Guess what happens when you: 1) have nothing to do 2) own a sharp knife 3) have a large lime 4) own a patient cat 5) drink too much tequila 6) and it's football season? |
It's o-pun season again!
1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.
The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar.
The bartender says, "I'll serve you,
But don't start anything."
3. Two peanuts walk into a bar,
And one was a salted.
4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.......
5. A man walks into a bar
With a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says:
"A beer please, and one for the road."
6. Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says to the other:
"Does this taste funny to you?"
7. Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.
Is it common?
... Well, It's Not Unusual.
8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.
Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially Inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," says Dolly.
"It's true; no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman.
The kids were nothing to look at either.
10. Deja-Moo:
The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day,
But I couldn't find any.
12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't. I've cut off your arms!"
13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.
14. What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh.
15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
The one turns to the other and says,
"Dam!"
16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft.
Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that
you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse.
"But why?", they asked as they moved off.
"Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
18. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption.
One of them goes to a family in Egypt, and is named "Ahmal."
The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan."
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.
Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.
Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.
He also ate very little, which made him rather frail.
With his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him
A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
20. And finally (with enthusiastic applause from the audience),
There was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh.
The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar.
The bartender says, "I'll serve you,
But don't start anything."
3. Two peanuts walk into a bar,
And one was a salted.
4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.......
5. A man walks into a bar
With a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says:
"A beer please, and one for the road."
6. Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says to the other:
"Does this taste funny to you?"
7. Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.
Is it common?
... Well, It's Not Unusual.
8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.
Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially Inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," says Dolly.
"It's true; no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman.
The kids were nothing to look at either.
10. Deja-Moo:
The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day,
But I couldn't find any.
12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't. I've cut off your arms!"
13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.
14. What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh.
15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
The one turns to the other and says,
"Dam!"
16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft.
Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that
you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse.
"But why?", they asked as they moved off.
"Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
18. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption.
One of them goes to a family in Egypt, and is named "Ahmal."
The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan."
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.
Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.
Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.
He also ate very little, which made him rather frail.
With his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him
A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
20. And finally (with enthusiastic applause from the audience),
There was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh.
No pun in ten did!
Daddy, how was I born? - the internet age answer
A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"
The father answers, "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.
We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:
The father answers, "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.
We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:
You've got Male!
The Blonde painter
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her
money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.
The blonde said "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her
money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
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